When differences seem too big to ignore.

Adam and I are similar in many ways. We met playing Ultimate Frisbee, which is something we continue to enjoy together today. We both like to think big, analyze situations, build and create things and we both share a very similar sense of humour so we are always laughing.

But lately as we start talking more about our pasts and what we want in the future we are finding some differences. What’s hard to tell is how much we should worry about these. Both our previous marraiges failed because we didn’t take some serious differences into account. So now we are looking at them under a very strong microscope. Would we have worried so much about these things without our past experiences? Probably not. Is is a good thing to examine a relationship and make sure it’s right for you. Probably. But the line between the differences that are OK and the differences that are a recipe for disaster can be something hard to find.

I came across this really great blog post that helped me a little with my thoughts around this subject, so I thought I would share it:

How the Differences in Your Relationships Can be gifts

…With these monumental differences laid out in front of us, we had every reason in the world to say our goodbyes and move on. But it was in our decision to stick together that we learned far more about who we were as individuals than we would have had we found carbon copies of ourselves…. Read Full blog post on Tiny Buddha site.

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a rollercoaster ride

 Adam and I have always been very aware of the importance of independance in a relationship, so much so that it may have affected our transition from dating to being in a relationship. The chang of moving from dating to “in a relationship” is more that just a status change on facebook. It’s something that can be a bumpy ride, full of some awkward moments and confusion.

When it came to making plans, I would always casually ask what he was up to, and then casually talk about what I was going to do….and if somehow there was a night free for both of us, I’d suggest we get together. We were two separate people, and when and if it worked out, we’d come together as a great couple.  This way we maintained our independance, always put what we wanted to do first and never felt like we were pressuring the other to do something they don’t want to do. I thought at first…WOW..this is Amazing!! I get to do whatever I want to do, live my life the same way and have a great guy in my life.  It’s liberating for anyone that’s come from a stressful relationship…well….because it’s not really a relationship at all!

Before we knew it the highs and closeness that we experienced when we were together, became lows and feelings of distance when we each went our own way. Everything we built up in our relationship when together, slowly dissolved over a week where we’d hardly communicate and let each other into our life. This roller coaster was not fun to be on. We found when we saw each other after a long time apart that it would actually take a while to “warm up” to being comfortable with the other.

How did we solve this? Well, we still wanted to keep up with our busy schedules but days that we don’t see each other, we at least make a phone call to talk about our day. Even if we don’t have the most exciting news to share, chatting about regular day to day things helps keep the connection going when we can’t be together in person.

We also realized that we don’t need to only get together for fun, exciting dates. But it’s OK to spend an evening doing our own thing and then just come together at night to relax, watch some TV and go to bed.  Yeah, some may call the getting together at 10pm a booty call, but if you don’t want to sacrifice your activities and still remained connected it’s a great way to do it. (and it doesn’t always have to include the booty…well…in our case it usually does!)

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flipping the switch

When you first start dating someone you want to think of them as “the one”.  Your knight in shining armour, your fairytale prince, your Romeo. The long-term vision of where your relationship may be one day is vague and full of roses, rainbows and clouds shaped as hearts. But the reality is quite different. Your dating is usually pretty tactical. What are you up to this weekend? You busy Friday night? Dinner tonight? If you do talk about the future, it’s very general without much detail.

In the last few weeks things have been changing for me.  All of a sudden when I think about vacations I want to go on, I wonder if Adam would enjoy them. When a weekend comes I usually already know what “we” are up to.  When I think about the next house that I’m going to live in, I see Adam and I sitting on a swing on it’s front porch.

And Adam tends to drop little hints that he’s feeling the same way too. Like when I talked about still having some parking tickets under my old license plate, he mentioned that we’ll just have to register cars under him in the future. Or he went from always talking about wanting to  move into a condo in the city, to now maybe waiting to see what happens with us first.

It’s an exciting, stomach butterfly causing time when you flip the switch from planning your own future, to now including someone else in those plans. You don’t want to jump into those discussions too soon, or you may scare away the other person. There’s nothing worse than having your partner describe a vivid future that they have all planned out for the two of you, when you’re not on the same page yet.  Both people need to reach that point naturally, and on their own timeline.

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more than friends

OK, when I read this email I get goosebumps.  Around the time of these emails, Eve and I were having some great talks about our lives and our friendship was starting to evolve.  We were spending a lot more time together.  It was becoming apparent to us both that each had feelings for the other.  Finally, we went out for dinner one night and after some beating around the bush and small talk we brought up the topic that was very much on our minds.

I guess this a classic situation; you want to get closer to somebody but you’re worried that things might get all complicated and that it might not work out and that maybe you’ll be worse off than had you not brought it up at all!  Things were further complicated by the fact that I was recently divorced and felt guilty for even contemplating a relationship with another woman.  Also, I was so afraid of going through the pain and humiliation of divorce that I was anxious about entering a relationship.

On the other hand, there was so much to be excited about.  I really admired Eve as my friend for years.  Now that I was getting to know her better I was learning that the things I had admired about her were only the tip of the iceberg!  We had already established an amazing communication and openness in only a short while, and despite the complications, things felt right!  And although I had always thought she was a beautiful woman, I was now finding her VERY attractive.

So… I didn’t really know if it was a good idea or the right time to do it, but I pretty much just told her this.  Her feelings were similar.  This was a big step for us both because at that time communicating something like this was very difficult for us.  Well, that night we talked about how we felt about each other and had an enjoyable meal together.  Afterwards, we parted ways and mulled over this new information.  The following emails were sent on the days after.

 From: Eve

Sent: December 21, 2009

To:  Adam

 Hey Adam,

 […]

Ok, the real point of my email was that I just wanted to send you a quick note because we didn’t quite come any conclusion around our feelings for each other last night. And in my newly formed resolution to not avoid things, I thought I’d just let you know my thoughts around it.

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