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Archive for the ‘worry worts’ Category

“We live in the shelter of each other.”— Celtic saying

 One of the relationship books that we are reading is Hold Me Tight, and the main premise of the book is that the most important part in a relationship is having a feeling of security.  The books says: “When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support — and better at giving it.”

 I think about my relationship with Adam, and the times that I feel distant or unsure about our relationship are the times where my feelings of being safe and secure in the relationship are threatened. And it’s amazing how the smallest of things can make you worry or feel vulnerable. It doesn’t have to be a massive fight, or some big action that they did to hurt you. In most cases it’s the small subtleties, which your partner is probably not even aware of, that to you can have the biggest impact on your ability to feel secure.

 In my case, Adam’s past has always made me feel uneasy. It’s a combination of things, that I know over time will hopefully go away. But as we’re still in the stages of building our relationship, it’s easy for them to weigh on my mind and make me apprehensive. Before me, Adam had a very long term relationship with his ex-wife that spanned most of his time in highschool and university. So when I think about his past, I know that most of those memories included her and it makes me feel like the 1 year that I’ve had in a relationship with him is inferior to the over 12 years that he spent with her. And it’s not because I think he’s going to get back with her or that I think that he still has feeling for her. But I think it’s because I want to feel like our relationship is the most important part of his life, and in reality his previous relationship has been a bigger part of his life to date.  It’s hard to think about that fact that most of his memories and experiences involve her being by his side, instead of me.

 Also, in my previous marriage I made a very bad judgment call on the character of my ex-husband, (more…)

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Today I got an email from my aunt telling our family that her and my uncle were getting divorced. The moment it was sent there was a flurry of email responses, phone calls, arrangements for the family to get together to support my uncle. We all were ready to drop everything to be there for him.

Just 5 days ago the whole family dropped everything to get together for another occasion. A wedding. And there was a flurry of emails and phone calls and arrangements to plan such an exciting celebration together.

So within 5 days and new marriage began and a 12 year marriage ended. And once again I have to wonder what’s the recipe for a successful marriage?

During the wedding ceremony, when the vows were being said I reached over and held Adam’s hand. Part of the reason was because I wanted him to feel a bit of comfort in case hearing vows was upsetting him in any way. I also felt a lot of hope and love inside of me at that moment since I was thinking about one day standing there saying those words to Adam. And the last part was that, even 3 years later, hearing vows does still sometimes upset me a little.

When I think of my uncle and aunts relationship…when they first got married they were crazy about each other. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other, so much so, that their PDAs actually made the rest of us feel a wee bit uncomfortable!

So like with any ended marriage you wonder what happened in between?

And so today that’s all that I can think about. (more…)

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I’m experiencing a relationship problem with Adam that I haven’t encountered ever before.  It’s the feeling that I’m dating someone out of my league. Sorry to all the guys in my past, but Adam is the first person I’ve dated with it ALL – the perfect combination of great looks, great brain, and great personality.

So now I’ve gone from having the security and confidence of knowing that I’m the great catch in the relationship, to sometimes feeling that maybe I’m not good enough for him. These worries can make you act bizarro at times!

Out of my league worry #1: He’s going to find someone better – This one is scary for me since I’m the first and only person he’s dated since his separation. Was I just someone that was comfortable for him since we were friends? Is it just a matter of time until he discovers all the other tasty, more colourful fish in the sea?

Out of my league worry #2: He’s got more important stuff on his mind than me – Adam is a smart guy, he works in a really technical, sometimes stressful environment and always has projects, ideas and concepts floating around in his head. (more…)

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You know that point you reach in a relationship where you know that your heart is starting to get more and more in it? It’s exciting, since you have this warm, great feeling inside of you. But at the same time is can be terrifying, since once your heart is in it…then it opens the door to it being broken.

With the heartache that both Adam and I experienced in the last year, this point in our relationship was extremely hard. We had a lot of “talks” to make sure we were on the same path and we were both trying to search for evidence or cues that would help to verify that this was a relationship that was built to last. We’re both have a science background and tend tackle things with a lot of logic and analysis. We collected tons of observations on what was going on between us, and sometimes they’d lead us to the wrong conclusions. What did he really mean when he didn’t call me for 3 days? What did she really mean when she packed her schedule with plans with other people? So we took our observations…tried to build hypothesis to what they meant and used this to try to come to a conclusion on whether we’d be in love together forever.

Man, if love followed a scientific formula then Adam and I would have mastered it a long time ago. (we’re pretty geeky and like to excel in everything) And we clearly didn’t.  The thing is, (more…)

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