How do you deal with doubt in a relationship? You could talk it out and express how you feel and hope through discussion with your partner that you’ll be able to figure it out. But who wants to hear that the person you love has doubt? How can you remain close to the other person after hearing those things?
Adam and I have been struggling with this the last few weeks. We don’t want to get hurt while we are still figuring things out, so we started to distance ourselves from each other which didn’t feel good either. So this is what happened:
Mon, 15 Aug 2011 9:57AM
I know you have a busy day today.
But I just wanted to send you a quick note to say that even though we totally haven’t resolved the stuff we talked about on Friday, I think this weekend was exactly what we have to keep doing. Both of us have things that make us worry or uncomfortable sometimes, but the root of those worries come from needing to build more trust and confidence in each other and feel secure in the relationship. And that can’t be built by us pulling away and becoming distant from each other, it actually works in the opposite! There are a lot of things in our pasts that kept us apart and probably didn’t make us good for each other, but somehow through it all we did end up together and what matter most is what we build from this point forward.
I love you a lot Adam, Eve
Monday, August 15, 2011 6:24 PM
Hi Eve!
Thanks for this email. I really appreciate that we didn’t just gloss over this issue after having a nice weekend together, it’s still something we should both think about. I agree, if we become distant with each other our closeness and feeling of trust in the other person might just fade away; that would be really sad. I guess that regardless of where things might end up in a month or 6 months or years from now, we share a bond and love each other and want to care for each other. Maybe I should just allow myself to feel thankful for that without worries or expectations. If I think that way, it might make it easier for me to simulateneously be close to you as I contemplate what is the next step for us. It might make it easier for me as you contemplate what is the next step for us.
I want to give you the opportunity to judge for yourself whether or not you think I’m a good fit for you. Likewise I need that opportunity. Sometimes people get so attached to the intimacy they experience with a person, that they are afraid to do that. It’s hard to contemplate not being able to be close with you. At first I thought it would be a good idea to step back and give you more space. Also, I was feeling uncomfortable and I found it hard to be together when I was worried about getting hurt. But I think you have a good point, we could just become so distant that we might not come back.
Well basically, I want to enjoy the gift of being close to you and knowing you and trust we will listen closely to our hearts and minds.
Love Adam
Monday, August 22, 2011 10:31 AM
Hi Eve,
I just want to share with you where I’m at right now. I got upset after hearing a few things last night before bed, so I just stopped talking and went to sleep. I was tired from a busy weekend, unnerved from a few trying things that happened earlier in the day, hurt at hearing a negative opinion about myself, and frustrated. When I feel hurt, I tend to close myself off and stop talking. When I get angry I stop talking because I don’t want to say an unkind word I might regret.
It sounds like the mistakes I made and thoughts about my old relationship are weighing heavily on your mind. Those thoughts can’t just be ignored or quickly resolved since they’ve been so pressing for some time now. I’m trying to judge what is my best response to this. The best I can come up with is that I would like to respect you by giving you what you need to decide what’s best for yourself, and respect myself by insisting on an equal partner. It leads me to believe that we need some more time on the ‘learning about each other’ level before we move so quickly into such intimacy and involvement.
As you now, I love you very much. I can’t just ignore what’s going on though, so I’m looking for a change that will work for us.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011 1:22 PM
Eve,
Thanks very much for this email. What you’ve written is so well put, honest, and brave. Also, I agree with putting the message on our blog.
Before hold me tight I would’ve been ashamed and embarrassed to question your ex’s posts on facebook. I feel weird about influencing the unfriend, but mainly I get the message loud and clear that you care for my emotional well being; it makes me feel very loved and I’m glad you did what you did.
I am on a rollercoaster. There are some really touching connections we are having right now, and we are also contemplating some difficult things. I’m also afraid I might get hurt and want to protect myself. I’m looking for some mode for us right now that is steady…to avoid rash panic flip flops and so I don’t get exhausted. I like the emails and calls and talks and some visits. Sleepover or sex or intense connection is so appealing but it’s hard for me to handle, so I’ve slowed down a bit…how much to slow down I’m figuring that out.
Ok I email you soon with some more in a bit
Adam
Wed, 24 Aug 2011 19:03:09
Adam, I agree that being on a rollercoaster is exhausting and draining. And I don’t think either one of us wants to set up ourselves to get hurt. We’ve explored a lot of what it means to be in a relationship with the other person. We know what each other wants in a relationship, what our future goals are and what comes with the package of being a part of the other person’s life. We know a lot about each other’s pasts, families, fears and passions. What we still don’t know, even with all that knowledge, is if we want to be in a long-term intimate relationship with the other person.
It’s cool that you want to see if the Catholic faith is something that you’d want to be a part of and raise children in, since you know that it’s something that I want in a partner. Similarly, I’m working through how much of your past I can be comfortable with and also how important alignment in things like religion, family and upbringing are to me.
I’m trying to think about what mode would be steady as we both figure out these things. I agree that being intimate during this time can blur things and cause the roller coaster than neither one of us wants to be on. Like my Hold Me Tight blog post, if we put our hearts in the hands of the other person, then it makes it really hard to hear that the other person has doubts or doesn’t fit what we are looking for.
I think maybe the best steady state for us is to go back to being just friends for a while. That way we can figure things out for ourselves in a state that is less emotional and risky. I don’t want our relationship to become something that is too much to handle for you, when I know that you have a ton going on at work and with the sale of your house.
We’d still get to see each other at Ultimate and share the fun group experiences that we’ve always had together. And we know for sure that we make great friends. But maybe it’s best to take a bit of a break from dating each other.
I know it will be hard for me to not have the same closeness that I’ve had with you over the last year, but if the space and time off the rollercoaster will help us better understand if an intimate relationship with each other is right in the long run – then our future will be a lot more solid because of it and we can feel confident that we are making the right decision for the both of us.
This is just one of the suggestions that I have to help with some of the things that you brought up. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, and I’m open to hear your thoughts on it too. I don’t think you can be halfway in a relationship. If you are in it, then you’ve got to have your whole heart in it and accept the risks. If both of us can’t handle those risks right now, then it’s best to slow down and go back to being just friends I think.
Eve
Wednesday, August 24, 2011 9:50 PM
I think you are right, being friends is a good idea.
Discussing these topics has been good for me. It’s inspired me to think about what’s important for my life.
I’m thankful that I know you
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