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Archive for the ‘talkin it out’ Category

How do you deal with doubt in a relationship? You could talk it out and express how you feel and hope through discussion with your partner that you’ll be able to figure it out. But who wants to hear that the person you love has doubt? How can you remain close to the other person after hearing those things?

Adam and I have been struggling with this the last few weeks. We don’t want to get hurt while we are still figuring things out, so we started to distance ourselves from each other which didn’t feel good either. So this is what happened:

 Mon, 15 Aug 2011  9:57AM

I know you have a busy day today.

But I just wanted to send you a quick note to say that even though we totally haven’t resolved the stuff we talked about on Friday, I think this weekend was exactly what we have to keep doing. Both of us have things that make us worry or uncomfortable sometimes, but the root of those worries come from needing to build more trust and confidence in each other and feel secure in the relationship. And that can’t be built by us pulling away and becoming distant from each other, it actually works in the opposite! There are a lot of things in our pasts that kept us apart and probably didn’t make us good for each other, but somehow through it all we did end up together and what matter most is what we build from this point forward.

I love you a lot Adam,   Eve

Monday, August 15, 2011 6:24 PM
Hi Eve!
 
Thanks for this email.  I really appreciate that we didn’t just gloss over this issue after having a nice weekend together, it’s still something we should both think about.    I agree, if we become distant with each other our closeness and feeling of trust in the other person might just fade away; that would be really sad.  I guess that regardless of where things might end up in a month or 6 months or years from now, we share a bond and love each other and want to care for each other.  Maybe I should just allow myself to feel thankful for that without worries or expectations.  If I think that way, it might make it easier for me to simulateneously be close to you as I contemplate what is the next step for us.  It might make it easier for me as you contemplate what is the next step for us. 
 
I want to give you the opportunity to judge for yourself whether or not you think I’m a good fit for you.  Likewise I need that opportunity.  Sometimes people get so attached to the intimacy they experience with a person, that they are afraid to do that.  It’s hard to contemplate not being able to be close with you.  At first I thought it would be a good idea to step back and give you more space.  Also, I was feeling uncomfortable and I found it hard to (more…)

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What is with us women and wanting to fix and change the men in our lives? Is it our sense of nurturing? Is it because we see the good and want to bring it out?

A few of my past relationships have been with men that I could see the glimpse of what they “could” be, and I stuck around with them (and even married them!) thinking that over time they’d change into the person that I wanted.  And I know for sure that I’ve been in relationships where my partner was hoping that I’d change into someone that I wasn’t.

A fixer-upper relationship is harmful to both people. The person wanting to see change gets frustrated. You are with someone that isnt’ right for you in the present with the hope that one day in the future they will be.  That future day seems to get further and further in time and you start to  get upset with your partner for just being who they are.  The person that’s being changed starts to feeling  like you are trying to manipulate them or judge them as inadequate. The feel like they can’t be themselves which is just as frustrating as being on the other end.

The fact that Adam is exactly what I want in a partner right now is such a complete difference from my previous relationships. I admire so many things about him. His compassion, his patience, his drive to excel in everything he does. He actually inspires me to want to (more…)

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