Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

How do you deal with doubt in a relationship? You could talk it out and express how you feel and hope through discussion with your partner that you’ll be able to figure it out. But who wants to hear that the person you love has doubt? How can you remain close to the other person after hearing those things?

Adam and I have been struggling with this the last few weeks. We don’t want to get hurt while we are still figuring things out, so we started to distance ourselves from each other which didn’t feel good either. So this is what happened:

 Mon, 15 Aug 2011  9:57AM

I know you have a busy day today.

But I just wanted to send you a quick note to say that even though we totally haven’t resolved the stuff we talked about on Friday, I think this weekend was exactly what we have to keep doing. Both of us have things that make us worry or uncomfortable sometimes, but the root of those worries come from needing to build more trust and confidence in each other and feel secure in the relationship. And that can’t be built by us pulling away and becoming distant from each other, it actually works in the opposite! There are a lot of things in our pasts that kept us apart and probably didn’t make us good for each other, but somehow through it all we did end up together and what matter most is what we build from this point forward.

I love you a lot Adam,   Eve

Monday, August 15, 2011 6:24 PM
Hi Eve!
Thanks for this email.  I really appreciate that we didn’t just gloss over this issue after having a nice weekend together, it’s still something we should both think about.    I agree, if we become distant with each other our closeness and feeling of trust in the other person might just fade away; that would be really sad.  I guess that regardless of where things might end up in a month or 6 months or years from now, we share a bond and love each other and want to care for each other.  Maybe I should just allow myself to feel thankful for that without worries or expectations.  If I think that way, it might make it easier for me to simulateneously be close to you as I contemplate what is the next step for us.  It might make it easier for me as you contemplate what is the next step for us. 
I want to give you the opportunity to judge for yourself whether or not you think I’m a good fit for you.  Likewise I need that opportunity.  Sometimes people get so attached to the intimacy they experience with a person, that they are afraid to do that.  It’s hard to contemplate not being able to be close with you.  At first I thought it would be a good idea to step back and give you more space.  Also, I was feeling uncomfortable and I found it hard to (more…)


Read Full Post »

“We live in the shelter of each other.”— Celtic saying

 One of the relationship books that we are reading is Hold Me Tight, and the main premise of the book is that the most important part in a relationship is having a feeling of security.  The books says: “When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support — and better at giving it.”

 I think about my relationship with Adam, and the times that I feel distant or unsure about our relationship are the times where my feelings of being safe and secure in the relationship are threatened. And it’s amazing how the smallest of things can make you worry or feel vulnerable. It doesn’t have to be a massive fight, or some big action that they did to hurt you. In most cases it’s the small subtleties, which your partner is probably not even aware of, that to you can have the biggest impact on your ability to feel secure.

 In my case, Adam’s past has always made me feel uneasy. It’s a combination of things, that I know over time will hopefully go away. But as we’re still in the stages of building our relationship, it’s easy for them to weigh on my mind and make me apprehensive. Before me, Adam had a very long term relationship with his ex-wife that spanned most of his time in highschool and university. So when I think about his past, I know that most of those memories included her and it makes me feel like the 1 year that I’ve had in a relationship with him is inferior to the over 12 years that he spent with her. And it’s not because I think he’s going to get back with her or that I think that he still has feeling for her. But I think it’s because I want to feel like our relationship is the most important part of his life, and in reality his previous relationship has been a bigger part of his life to date.  It’s hard to think about that fact that most of his memories and experiences involve her being by his side, instead of me.

 Also, in my previous marriage I made a very bad judgment call on the character of my ex-husband, (more…)

Read Full Post »

Adam and I are similar in many ways. We met playing Ultimate Frisbee, which is something we continue to enjoy together today. We both like to think big, analyze situations, build and create things and we both share a very similar sense of humour so we are always laughing.

But lately as we start talking more about our pasts and what we want in the future we are finding some differences. What’s hard to tell is how much we should worry about these. Both our previous marraiges failed because we didn’t take some serious differences into account. So now we are looking at them under a very strong microscope. Would we have worried so much about these things without our past experiences? Probably not. Is is a good thing to examine a relationship and make sure it’s right for you. Probably. But the line between the differences that are OK and the differences that are a recipe for disaster can be something hard to find.

I came across this really great blog post that helped me a little with my thoughts around this subject, so I thought I would share it:

How the Differences in Your Relationships Can be gifts

…With these monumental differences laid out in front of us, we had every reason in the world to say our goodbyes and move on. But it was in our decision to stick together that we learned far more about who we were as individuals than we would have had we found carbon copies of ourselves…. Read Full blog post on Tiny Buddha site.

Read Full Post »

So Adam and I came up with a new game for our relationship this weekend. The “Secret Sex Word of the Day” It came up since on Saturday night I told Adam that he was “yummy” as we were falling asleep, and for some reason that really turned him on and we ended up not going  to sleep for another few hours! The next morning we were getting up to make some breakfast and I mentioned my Lululemon’s (a workout pant that guys seem to really like to see on girls) and that word delayed our breakfast plans for another hour.

It was really funny how a “word”, could ignite passion in us and make us go crazy! So since the both of us are quite playful and love a good game, we decided to every day put in our BlackBerries a “Secret Sex Word of the Day” and during that day if the other person ever said the word we had to exit the situation as soon as possible and have sex. No questions asked. The person just has to show the other that the secret word is logged into the BlackBerry and then they both have to come up with some excuse to get away.

Now we’ve only had the words come up when we were alone in the bedroom. So who knows how it’s going to work outside of that. We don’t know what the chances really are that the other will say some random word that we’ve come up with. And the word changes every day…

Day one is today. I’ve got my word in my BlackBerry so let’s see how it goes. We have an ultimate game tonite…so I could predict some “words” that we’d both be saying in the game. But I guess that’s cheating. It would be WAY more fun to have a completely random word set it off. Stay Tuned.

Read Full Post »

Today I got an email from my aunt telling our family that her and my uncle were getting divorced. The moment it was sent there was a flurry of email responses, phone calls, arrangements for the family to get together to support my uncle. We all were ready to drop everything to be there for him.

Just 5 days ago the whole family dropped everything to get together for another occasion. A wedding. And there was a flurry of emails and phone calls and arrangements to plan such an exciting celebration together.

So within 5 days and new marriage began and a 12 year marriage ended. And once again I have to wonder what’s the recipe for a successful marriage?

During the wedding ceremony, when the vows were being said I reached over and held Adam’s hand. Part of the reason was because I wanted him to feel a bit of comfort in case hearing vows was upsetting him in any way. I also felt a lot of hope and love inside of me at that moment since I was thinking about one day standing there saying those words to Adam. And the last part was that, even 3 years later, hearing vows does still sometimes upset me a little.

When I think of my uncle and aunts relationship…when they first got married they were crazy about each other. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other, so much so, that their PDAs actually made the rest of us feel a wee bit uncomfortable!

So like with any ended marriage you wonder what happened in between?

And so today that’s all that I can think about. (more…)

Read Full Post »

When something is amazing in our relationship, the first thing I want to do is blog about it. Our crazy dates, our big steps forward, our exciting new sexual discoveries all lead me to wanting to share and inspire others to find the same bliss.

But I also want to be real. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns and as readers and a blogger, sharing the not so fun stuff is even more valuable. So here I go.

The last weekend that past was a biggie for me and Adam. It was the wedding of a close family friend of mine, and I brought Adam as my date. Pretty much all my family and extended family and close friends were there, and bringing Adam was a very public sign to them about how serious we were. I had never in the past brought any guy to a family wedding (except after they became my husband!) So by having him by my side was telling them that I was seriously considering a future with him. He met all my extended family, was in family photos and shared in a very important occasion in my family life. I was happy about it, and it felt totally right that weekend. I could see him as a part of my family and it made me excited about our future together.

Adam then left on a business trip and we kept up with our flirty texts and emails in order to remain connected. And then I got a couple emails (more…)

Read Full Post »

 Adam and I have always been very aware of the importance of independance in a relationship, so much so that it may have affected our transition from dating to being in a relationship. The chang of moving from dating to “in a relationship” is more that just a status change on facebook. It’s something that can be a bumpy ride, full of some awkward moments and confusion.

When it came to making plans, I would always casually ask what he was up to, and then casually talk about what I was going to do….and if somehow there was a night free for both of us, I’d suggest we get together. We were two separate people, and when and if it worked out, we’d come together as a great couple.  This way we maintained our independance, always put what we wanted to do first and never felt like we were pressuring the other to do something they don’t want to do. I thought at first…WOW..this is Amazing!! I get to do whatever I want to do, live my life the same way and have a great guy in my life.  It’s liberating for anyone that’s come from a stressful relationship…well….because it’s not really a relationship at all!

Before we knew it the highs and closeness that we experienced when we were together, became lows and feelings of distance when we each went our own way. Everything we built up in our relationship when together, slowly dissolved over a week where we’d hardly communicate and let each other into our life. This roller coaster was not fun to be on. We found when we saw each other after a long time apart that it would actually take a while to “warm up” to being comfortable with the other.

How did we solve this? Well, we still wanted to keep up with our busy schedules but days that we don’t see each other, we at least make a phone call to talk about our day. Even if we don’t have the most exciting news to share, chatting about regular day to day things helps keep the connection going when we can’t be together in person.

We also realized that we don’t need to only get together for fun, exciting dates. But it’s OK to spend an evening doing our own thing and then just come together at night to relax, watch some TV and go to bed.  Yeah, some may call the getting together at 10pm a booty call, but if you don’t want to sacrifice your activities and still remained connected it’s a great way to do it. (and it doesn’t always have to include the booty…well…in our case it usually does!)

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »