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Posts Tagged ‘doubt’

How do you deal with doubt in a relationship? You could talk it out and express how you feel and hope through discussion with your partner that you’ll be able to figure it out. But who wants to hear that the person you love has doubt? How can you remain close to the other person after hearing those things?

Adam and I have been struggling with this the last few weeks. We don’t want to get hurt while we are still figuring things out, so we started to distance ourselves from each other which didn’t feel good either. So this is what happened:

 Mon, 15 Aug 2011  9:57AM

I know you have a busy day today.

But I just wanted to send you a quick note to say that even though we totally haven’t resolved the stuff we talked about on Friday, I think this weekend was exactly what we have to keep doing. Both of us have things that make us worry or uncomfortable sometimes, but the root of those worries come from needing to build more trust and confidence in each other and feel secure in the relationship. And that can’t be built by us pulling away and becoming distant from each other, it actually works in the opposite! There are a lot of things in our pasts that kept us apart and probably didn’t make us good for each other, but somehow through it all we did end up together and what matter most is what we build from this point forward.

I love you a lot Adam,   Eve

Monday, August 15, 2011 6:24 PM
Hi Eve!
 
Thanks for this email.  I really appreciate that we didn’t just gloss over this issue after having a nice weekend together, it’s still something we should both think about.    I agree, if we become distant with each other our closeness and feeling of trust in the other person might just fade away; that would be really sad.  I guess that regardless of where things might end up in a month or 6 months or years from now, we share a bond and love each other and want to care for each other.  Maybe I should just allow myself to feel thankful for that without worries or expectations.  If I think that way, it might make it easier for me to simulateneously be close to you as I contemplate what is the next step for us.  It might make it easier for me as you contemplate what is the next step for us. 
 
I want to give you the opportunity to judge for yourself whether or not you think I’m a good fit for you.  Likewise I need that opportunity.  Sometimes people get so attached to the intimacy they experience with a person, that they are afraid to do that.  It’s hard to contemplate not being able to be close with you.  At first I thought it would be a good idea to step back and give you more space.  Also, I was feeling uncomfortable and I found it hard to (more…)

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You know that point you reach in a relationship where you know that your heart is starting to get more and more in it? It’s exciting, since you have this warm, great feeling inside of you. But at the same time is can be terrifying, since once your heart is in it…then it opens the door to it being broken.

With the heartache that both Adam and I experienced in the last year, this point in our relationship was extremely hard. We had a lot of “talks” to make sure we were on the same path and we were both trying to search for evidence or cues that would help to verify that this was a relationship that was built to last. We’re both have a science background and tend tackle things with a lot of logic and analysis. We collected tons of observations on what was going on between us, and sometimes they’d lead us to the wrong conclusions. What did he really mean when he didn’t call me for 3 days? What did she really mean when she packed her schedule with plans with other people? So we took our observations…tried to build hypothesis to what they meant and used this to try to come to a conclusion on whether we’d be in love together forever.

Man, if love followed a scientific formula then Adam and I would have mastered it a long time ago. (we’re pretty geeky and like to excel in everything) And we clearly didn’t.  The thing is, (more…)

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