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It’s been a couple days since the last email from Adam where he said that he thought we should just be friends too. So now I’m trying to figure out what’s really going on inside of me. I want to get to that place where I can give of my whole self to Adam. Without fear.

After a divorce you tend to put up a fence around you. At first this fence is made out of bricks with barb wire around the top. No one can get in. Your friends and family have a special door and they come in and love and support you. They pick up the pieces and help you rebuild your confidence. They work hard to bring joy back into your life, to distract you from the sadness you feel inside and give you hope for the future.

 But you can’t let someone new in there yet. You can’t trust someone the same way again, you can’t love the same way again. You can’t see how you can let someone that close to you ever again.

 Then time passes and the fence becomes a wooden one, where you now allow new people to peek inside. You let them see certain parts of your heart and you interact with them in a way that is safe. You, inside the protection of your fence and them, from a good distance away. It’s fun and exciting and you start enjoying the feeling of being close with someone again.

 Then time passes and now you know that to move forward in your relationship you have to take down that fence completely. But can you? That means that you are opening up yourself to be vulnerable again. To be hurt. To lose everything. To change what has now become normal in your safe little fenced in space. Emotions and memories flood in of all the pain your felt the last time it was down. All the reasons why you had to build that brick fence in the first place come back to haunt you. You start to doubt your decisions again. You don’t want to make the same mistakes, so you rack your brain to come up with every reason why this is a bad idea.

 And before you know it you’ve convinced yourself to leave the fence up and actually maybe reinforce it a bit. You need to protect your heart at all costs. And now you are inside that safe place again. There’s still hurt and your heart aches but you know its less than last time and hope it will go away.

 And there you are, safe again. But alone again. You wonder what could have been if that fence came down. Who knows? No matter how much you analyzed all the reasons why leaving the fence up was a good idea. What you’ll never know is what could have been if you took it down. What you would learn about yourself. What you’d learn about life. The joys it could bring. The challenges you could overcome. The proud moments and the scary ones. The life that could of been.

I’m letting my past dictate my future. I’m letting my fears win over my hope. I’m letting a guy who broke my heart and tore my life apart, keep me from a man who wants to give me his heart and build a new life with me.

 And now I lay crying in a room that I shed so many tears in before. Not crying for the reasons I built that fence in the first place, but crying because I don’t know how to take it down.

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