Posts Tagged ‘fear’

It’s been a couple days since the last email from Adam where he said that he thought we should just be friends too. So now I’m trying to figure out what’s really going on inside of me. I want to get to that place where I can give of my whole self to Adam. Without fear.

After a divorce you tend to put up a fence around you. At first this fence is made out of bricks with barb wire around the top. No one can get in. Your friends and family have a special door and they come in and love and support you. They pick up the pieces and help you rebuild your confidence. They work hard to bring joy back into your life, to distract you from the sadness you feel inside and give you hope for the future.

 But you can’t let someone new in there yet. You can’t trust someone the same way again, you can’t love the same way again. You can’t see how you can let someone that close to you ever again.

 Then time passes and the fence becomes a wooden one, where you now allow new people to peek inside. You let them see certain parts of your heart and you interact with them in a way that is safe. You, inside the protection of your fence and them, from a good distance away. It’s fun and exciting and you start enjoying the feeling of being close with someone again.

 Then time passes and now you know that to move forward in your relationship you have to take down that fence completely. But can you? That means that you are opening up yourself to be vulnerable again. To be hurt. To lose everything. To change what has now become normal in your safe little fenced in space. Emotions and memories flood in of all the pain your felt the last time it was down. All the reasons why you had to build that brick fence in the first place come back to haunt you. You start to doubt your decisions again. You don’t want to make the same mistakes, so you rack your brain to come up with every reason why this is a bad idea.

 And before you know it you’ve convinced yourself to leave the fence up and actually maybe reinforce it a bit. You need to protect your heart at all costs. And now you are inside that safe place again. There’s still hurt and your heart aches but you know its less than last time and hope it will go away.

 And there you are, safe again. But alone again. You wonder what could have been if that fence came down. Who knows? No matter how much you analyzed all the reasons why leaving the fence up was a good idea. What you’ll never know is what could have been if you took it down. What you would learn about yourself. What you’d learn about life. The joys it could bring. The challenges you could overcome. The proud moments and the scary ones. The life that could of been.

I’m letting my past dictate my future. I’m letting my fears win over my hope. I’m letting a guy who broke my heart and tore my life apart, keep me from a man who wants to give me his heart and build a new life with me.

 And now I lay crying in a room that I shed so many tears in before. Not crying for the reasons I built that fence in the first place, but crying because I don’t know how to take it down.


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January means a blank slate where I work. Our fiscal year ends December 31st, and therefore all our goals for the year have been hopefully reached and we’re starting to plan what we want to achieve in 2011. This means the month is full of a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on what we set out to do in 2010, how we performed, what were our big successes and what were the areas we need to improve on. This reflection is expressed in our annual review which we spend time working through with our managers.

 Similarly, Adam and I found ourselves doing a bit of an annual review with each other over the holidays. We reflected on all the fun things we did throughout the year together, like first dates, camping, travel, twentyfifthfests and many other great adventures. We reflected on  how our relationship grew and strengthened as we got to know each other better and opened up ourselves to once again be intimate with another person. We also looked at some of the struggles that we had. Times where we felt (more…)

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When something is amazing in our relationship, the first thing I want to do is blog about it. Our crazy dates, our big steps forward, our exciting new sexual discoveries all lead me to wanting to share and inspire others to find the same bliss.

But I also want to be real. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns and as readers and a blogger, sharing the not so fun stuff is even more valuable. So here I go.

The last weekend that past was a biggie for me and Adam. It was the wedding of a close family friend of mine, and I brought Adam as my date. Pretty much all my family and extended family and close friends were there, and bringing Adam was a very public sign to them about how serious we were. I had never in the past brought any guy to a family wedding (except after they became my husband!) So by having him by my side was telling them that I was seriously considering a future with him. He met all my extended family, was in family photos and shared in a very important occasion in my family life. I was happy about it, and it felt totally right that weekend. I could see him as a part of my family and it made me excited about our future together.

Adam then left on a business trip and we kept up with our flirty texts and emails in order to remain connected. And then I got a couple emails (more…)

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…YOU ARE!  Looks at this picture, it makes you want to run as far away as possible.  Why would you willingly begin a lifelong association with this diapervillain in exchange for a mere evening (or 10 seconds!) of passion?

Instead of listening to this tiny emo freak about about some bedtime travesty, wouldn’t you rather be chilling with your friends having adult conversation? 

Well…I think I need to capture my thoughts right now, because for the first time in my life I am not scared by this little maniac.  She just does not scare me at all!

I don’t know how it happened, but somewhere in my brain a subtle shift occured while I was thinking about the relationship between Eve and I; and I thought to myself – ‘having some little crydemon around the house like this one sounds like a really good idea’.

So, why the change of heart?  You know I have to be honest, I still don’t have an answer for that.  I just pictured Eve and I with a kid and it made me happy.

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Never Too Late

Lyrics of the song Never Too Late:

Hoping I can run today and get away faster
Than ever from here
Another night and who can say if leaving is better
Than living in fear

It’s been too long and we’ve been down and out without laughter
No smiling just tears
We’re tired of falling down and being such a disaster
We’ve been here for years

Here’s to all the broken hearts tonight
Here’s to all the “fall-a-parts” tonight
Here’s to every girl and boy who lost their joy
They let it get away

You know it’s never too late
Get up and start all over again
You know it’s never too late
There’s got to be a better way
Don’t settle for the cold and rain
It’s not too late to start again
Find a way to smile and never let it get away!

I remember listening to this song a lot while running right after my separation. Running and working out was a way for me to clear my mind, re-gain energy and feel good about myself again. My previous relationship was extremely stressful and unhealthy and it took its toll on me. There wasn’t much laughter and a whole lotta tears. I had lost all my joy, and let everything that was important in my life get away. So listening to this song was bang-on.

But what I loved about the song was the hope it gave me. (more…)

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