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Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

It’s been a couple days since the last email from Adam where he said that he thought we should just be friends too. So now I’m trying to figure out what’s really going on inside of me. I want to get to that place where I can give of my whole self to Adam. Without fear.

After a divorce you tend to put up a fence around you. At first this fence is made out of bricks with barb wire around the top. No one can get in. Your friends and family have a special door and they come in and love and support you. They pick up the pieces and help you rebuild your confidence. They work hard to bring joy back into your life, to distract you from the sadness you feel inside and give you hope for the future.

 But you can’t let someone new in there yet. You can’t trust someone the same way again, you can’t love the same way again. You can’t see how you can let someone that close to you ever again.

 Then time passes and the fence becomes a wooden one, where you now allow new people to peek inside. You let them see certain parts of your heart and you interact with them in a way that is safe. You, inside the protection of your fence and them, from a good distance away. It’s fun and exciting and you start enjoying the feeling of being close with someone again.

 Then time passes and now you know that to move forward in your relationship you have to take down that fence completely. But can you? That means that you are opening up yourself to be vulnerable again. To be hurt. To lose everything. To change what has now become normal in your safe little fenced in space. Emotions and memories flood in of all the pain your felt the last time it was down. All the reasons why you had to build that brick fence in the first place come back to haunt you. You start to doubt your decisions again. You don’t want to make the same mistakes, so you rack your brain to come up with every reason why this is a bad idea.

 And before you know it you’ve convinced yourself to leave the fence up and actually maybe reinforce it a bit. You need to protect your heart at all costs. And now you are inside that safe place again. There’s still hurt and your heart aches but you know its less than last time and hope it will go away.

 And there you are, safe again. But alone again. You wonder what could have been if that fence came down. Who knows? No matter how much you analyzed all the reasons why leaving the fence up was a good idea. What you’ll never know is what could have been if you took it down. What you would learn about yourself. What you’d learn about life. The joys it could bring. The challenges you could overcome. The proud moments and the scary ones. The life that could of been.

I’m letting my past dictate my future. I’m letting my fears win over my hope. I’m letting a guy who broke my heart and tore my life apart, keep me from a man who wants to give me his heart and build a new life with me.

 And now I lay crying in a room that I shed so many tears in before. Not crying for the reasons I built that fence in the first place, but crying because I don’t know how to take it down.

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Today I got an email from my aunt telling our family that her and my uncle were getting divorced. The moment it was sent there was a flurry of email responses, phone calls, arrangements for the family to get together to support my uncle. We all were ready to drop everything to be there for him.

Just 5 days ago the whole family dropped everything to get together for another occasion. A wedding. And there was a flurry of emails and phone calls and arrangements to plan such an exciting celebration together.

So within 5 days and new marriage began and a 12 year marriage ended. And once again I have to wonder what’s the recipe for a successful marriage?

During the wedding ceremony, when the vows were being said I reached over and held Adam’s hand. Part of the reason was because I wanted him to feel a bit of comfort in case hearing vows was upsetting him in any way. I also felt a lot of hope and love inside of me at that moment since I was thinking about one day standing there saying those words to Adam. And the last part was that, even 3 years later, hearing vows does still sometimes upset me a little.

When I think of my uncle and aunts relationship…when they first got married they were crazy about each other. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other, so much so, that their PDAs actually made the rest of us feel a wee bit uncomfortable!

So like with any ended marriage you wonder what happened in between?

And so today that’s all that I can think about. (more…)

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When something is amazing in our relationship, the first thing I want to do is blog about it. Our crazy dates, our big steps forward, our exciting new sexual discoveries all lead me to wanting to share and inspire others to find the same bliss.

But I also want to be real. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns and as readers and a blogger, sharing the not so fun stuff is even more valuable. So here I go.

The last weekend that past was a biggie for me and Adam. It was the wedding of a close family friend of mine, and I brought Adam as my date. Pretty much all my family and extended family and close friends were there, and bringing Adam was a very public sign to them about how serious we were. I had never in the past brought any guy to a family wedding (except after they became my husband!) So by having him by my side was telling them that I was seriously considering a future with him. He met all my extended family, was in family photos and shared in a very important occasion in my family life. I was happy about it, and it felt totally right that weekend. I could see him as a part of my family and it made me excited about our future together.

Adam then left on a business trip and we kept up with our flirty texts and emails in order to remain connected. And then I got a couple emails (more…)

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