When something is amazing in our relationship, the first thing I want to do is blog about it. Our crazy dates, our big steps forward, our exciting new sexual discoveries all lead me to wanting to share and inspire others to find the same bliss.
But I also want to be real. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns and as readers and a blogger, sharing the not so fun stuff is even more valuable. So here I go.
The last weekend that past was a biggie for me and Adam. It was the wedding of a close family friend of mine, and I brought Adam as my date. Pretty much all my family and extended family and close friends were there, and bringing Adam was a very public sign to them about how serious we were. I had never in the past brought any guy to a family wedding (except after they became my husband!) So by having him by my side was telling them that I was seriously considering a future with him. He met all my extended family, was in family photos and shared in a very important occasion in my family life. I was happy about it, and it felt totally right that weekend. I could see him as a part of my family and it made me excited about our future together.
Adam then left on a business trip and we kept up with our flirty texts and emails in order to remain connected. And then I got a couple emails about some events that he was invited to that he wanted to tell me about. Usually it would be no big deal. I love the thought of him having fun with his friends. But the emails said “my friend invited me to a games night” and “my friend invited me to a curling tournament” and he then went on to how he was going to try to make an effort to go to these events. (without an invite to me to come along)
Sounds normal eh? Well, it is. I love that we are not tied to the hip and can go out and enjoy activities on our own. So I tried really hard to not over think it and just take it for what it was. But then I started thinking about the weekend, and how I had opened up my entire life to Adam. He knows pretty much every person in my family now. He knows all my closest friends by name and they know him. I’ve invited him to work events and all my colleagues have met him on many occasions. Adam is in every single part of my life, but I still very much feel on the outside of his.
Everytime I tell him about something in my life, I never use “my friend” since he knows all of them. So why are there still so many people in his life that are just “a friend” to me. And that’s when my mind goes wild. Why isn’t he introducing me to people in his life? Is he embarrassed of me? Is he unsure about us and doesn’t want to let me in his life that much? Is he just not ready to involve me in a life that he shared with his ex-wife? Does he think that I don’t care or don’t want to be part of his life?
I was having all these thoughts go through my mind, and it actually bothered me since I know that Adam loves me and would never say or do anything to make me upset. So I pushed the thoughts out of my mind.
And then the day after these thoughts, my cousin started posting photos of the wedding on facebook and tagging both me and Adam in photos together. It kinda stressed me out a little. I wasn’t quite sure that I wanted people on facebook to see Adam and I at a family wedding together yet. There were people on there that may not know I’m divorced, that may not know that Adam is divorced, that may not know we’re seeing each other. Having that big step of him being at a family wedding, and all that it means to me, out there on facebook for 600+ of my acquaintances to see was a bit too much for me right now. So I untagged them all. Hmmm. Now who’s the one not wanting to let the other one in?
Adam and I regularly talk about how cute our kids are going to be. But at the same time there’s a part of both of us that isn’t quite ready for that status update. (I think…I’m not sure about Adam’s feelings on all of this yet…I plan to talk about this with him when he gets back)
Is it fear? Is it because it’s slightly uncomfortable? Are we afraid of what others are going to think? What’s holding us back? I don’t know. I don’t know why I needed to untag those photos, I don’t know why he hasn’t invited me into certain aspects of his life yet. We’re insanely in love with each other, but our pasts have added new caution into our future (whether we like it or not.)
I talked about it today in the gym with a friend. She’s been married for years and has two little kids. She said that it took about 2 years of married life before all the fear and worries about each others pasts left the equation so that all they could remember was the present and what they had built together. She told me to be patient. Something I’ve never been good at. I want things to be great and I want them to be great NOW. But the reality is that right now our pasts are a lot bigger (and fresher) that our present relationship and it’s going to take some time before our present relationship tips the scale and becomes bigger and stronger than our pasts.
So yeah, the really hot photo of Adam and me at my friend’s wedding isn’t going to be either of our profile pics for a while. And that’s OK. I believe that we have a chance for an incredible future and I can be patient in getting there. I obviously need the time. And so does he. And one day our profile pic will be of a really hot baby, and this blog post will be a tiny part of our past.
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